コロナ鬱を自覚した日

日々いろいろ

こんにちは!おひとり様暮らし満喫中のSAWAです。

コロナで世界中が振り回されていますよね。
経済だけじゃなく、私たちの当たり前の日常も耐えるばかりの日々です。
そんな中、ノー天気で超ポジティブ思考の私が落とし穴に落ちました…。

たぶん、私、、コロナ鬱だ

自分で言うのも変ですがびっくりです!!

この心の不調はいったいなに?

私は、自他共に認める天真爛漫な人です。
とにかく自由人。
石橋を叩いて渡るタイプではなく、壊れないうちに走って渡るタイプです。
だから、ひどく落ち込むとか深く考えるとかはありません。
考えてもなにも変わらないから考えない派です。
そんな私が、コロナで自粛と言われ始めてから絶不調でした。

・ご飯が全然食べられない(おなかがすかない)
・夜中に何度も目が覚める
・仕事中も集中できない
・やる気が起きない
・イライラする
人生で経験したことのない不安定な日々でした。
一番は、お腹がすかないから夜ごはんが全然食べられず5キロも痩せたこと。
いつもなら「やった!痩せた!」と思うところですが、さすがに「これは不健康すぎる…」と焦りました。
そして、いくら早く寝ても夜中に何度も目が覚めるんです。
眠りがいまいちだと体調も優れず、ずっとぼ~~っとしてる感じでした。
理由が分からず、改善策もなく、トンネルの中にいるような最悪な状態でした。

それ、鬱じゃないの?

自分でも、なにがなんだか分からない状態だったんですが、これまたコロナのせいで人とも会えない日々でした。
いつもなら会社でも仲のいい子とお茶をしたり、美味しいもの食べに行ったりして、大声で話して笑って終わるようなこともできない。
だから、自分の中ででしか消化できない。
ただ、消化の方法も分からないという負のループです。

そんなとき、友人に現状を話したらまさかの

それ、鬱じゃない?

晴天の霹靂です!
実際、心が病むなんて一番遠いと思っていたんですから…。
だけど友人から、ネットでコロナ鬱の簡易診断とかあるからしてみなよ!と勧められ、とりあえずしてみました。
えぇ。
結果は見事に「あなたは重度の鬱状態です」という結果でした。
まさか。。。
だって、私、心のどこかで「コロナになってもたぶん大丈夫だろう」くらい軽く考えていたんです。
だから、コロナでそんなに心が落ち込むなんて思ってもいませんでした。

鬱と自覚して分かったこと

結果に衝撃でしたが、実は心のどこかで気が付いていたような気もします。
こんなにもテンションが上がらないことなんて、人生で一度も経験ないですしね。
ビックリはしましたが安心もしました。
そうやって意識することで、気持ちが落ちているのもしょうがないことなんだ!と。
こういうところはポジティブです。(笑)

なので、色々と原因を考えてみました。
私の場合は、コロナが直接の原因ではないと思っています。
だって…私、コロナはいまいち現実的な感じがしないんです。対岸の火事的な。
それよりも、「コロナだから自粛しなくてはいけない」という強迫観念にも似たやつがとても嫌でした。
もっと若かったら、テレビで見る若者のように出歩いていたと思います。
なのに歳を取ったせいで、知らず知らずに身についた自制心が私を圧迫していました。

いい大人なんだから自粛しないと
社会人なんだから責任もたないと
Stay Homeは当然でしょ

こんな一つずつがどんどん私を蝕んでいきました。
きっと、こんな小さなことと思われますよね。
世界中が我慢してるんだから当たり前でしょ!とも。
そんなのは百も承知なんです。承知だけど心が辛かったんです。
なにもかも我慢しなくてはいけないというのが、とにかく窮屈で窮屈で。
それを脱却する術もなくて、「おうち時間」とか「stay home」とか聞くのも見るのも嫌でした。
なんなら、マスクすらイライラするほど嫌だったんです。
あんな布1枚で、私の全部を縛ってる感じがして。
本当にくだらないですよね…。(苦笑)
一人暮らしだから…というのもかなり関係していると思います。
職場でも人と距離をとって今までのように話すこともなく、家に帰っても一人。
自粛しなくちゃと自炊するべきと思ってたのが追い込んだんだろうなぁ。

鬱と向き合う

自分で自覚してから、しなくちゃいけないと思わず、しないことを増やすようにしました。

自粛なんだから朝昼晩ごはん作らないと!というのも全部廃止しました!
もう一切キッチンに立ちません。(笑)
家族のために作るのも苦痛だと聞きますが、自分のためだけに作るのもこれまた苦痛です。
お腹を満たすだけならパンかじればいいじゃん!と思うようにしました。

そして、YouTubeやSNSを控えるようにしました。
両方とも、今までほとんどすることはありませんでした。
旅行中に写真をインスタにあげたり、遠く離れた友人との交流にFacebookをすることはあっても、それ以外はほとんどしなかったんですが…
この自粛で、無意識に誰かと繋がりたいと思っていたのかもしれません。
Twitterデビューもしていしまいました。
テレビはコロナばかりなのが嫌でYouTubeに切り替え。
全部が現実逃避へ一直線でした。
これも少し控えて、本や雑誌に切り替えたり、現実の友人と連絡をとったりと少しずつシフトしました。

ちょうど緊急事態宣言も解け、まだまだ自粛を!と言っている最中ではありましたが、いっきに前に進めた感じです。
こやって書きながらも、なんてワガママな意見なんだろう…と感じたりします。
もっと窮屈に頑張っている人もたくさんいますもんね。
そういうのが分かっているから、「辛い」と言えなかったのも確かかなと思います。
感じ方は人それぞれだし、自分にしか分からない理由ってありますよね。
というか、ほとんどの場合は理由すら分からないんじゃないかなぁ?
私だって実際のところは分かりません…。
誰でもこんな風になることはあるのかもしれませんね。
そんなときは、結局何もしないに限ります!
あとは、本当にしんどかったら心療内科に行くのも手だと思います。
心療内科なんて「心が弱い人が行くところだ」とか「薬を出すわけでもないんだから役に立たない」なんていう人がいます。
私もどちらかというとそんな気持ちが強いです。
自分の心の問題を人が解決できるわけじゃない!と。
でも…こんなに辛くなると、誰かに聞いてもらうことがとても大切だと感じます。
カウンセラーに行くなんて海外では普通のことですよね。
日本では少し抵抗がありまうが、今は学校にもスクールカウンセラーがいる時代です。
これでコロナ自粛再びになったら、私も迷わず相談に行きます。
今回のことを教訓にいち早く動きます。

早くこの状況から脱せられますように…。

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